Dear Bluma: My Daughter Is Everything I Wasn't Allowed to Be

Dear Bluma,

My daughter is 24, and she is everything. Confident, clear about what she wants, unafraid to say no. She sets boundaries I didn't even know were allowed when I was her age. She walks into rooms as if she belongs there, because she knows she does. Here's the thing: I raised her this way! On purpose. Watching her embody this fills me with the most enormous pride. But lately I've been noticing a feeling of grief for who I might have been if someone had raised ME that way, too. All those years of saying yes when I meant no, making myself smaller, and waiting for permission. I don't want to be 24 again. But I want the permission slip too! How do I show up in this new way?

— I Raised Her Better Than I Raised Myself

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Dear I Raised Her Better Than I Raised Myself,

Oh, I love this letter so much, I want to frame it! You raised a revolution, and you're standing in the middle of it, going — wait. Can I have some of that?

Yes. The answer is yes.

First, I want you to know that you're not alone. That grief is REAL! And felt by many other girls who were raised in the 1900s. ;) That younger version of you who said yes when she meant no, who made herself smaller, and waited for permission that never arrived, deserves a moment of acknowledgment. She was working with a script that was regularly handed over at that time. And she did something extraordinary with it anyway: she made sure her daughter got something different.

You were the architect of your daughter's empowerment! All those boundaries she so easily sets, and the way she can walk into a room without shrinking, is because you built a different stage for her to stand on. With a new script!

Now YOU get to star in a brand new story. And you even get to write your own permission slips. In your own handwriting!

Here's where you start:

1. Say the thing. The opinion you were about to soften, and the preference you were about to defer, or the no that's been sitting in your throat for three years, say it. Clearly and unapologetically. A few sentences for your toolkit. "I'd rather not," and "that doesn't work for me." Practice them in the mirror if you have to. After a certain age, they tend to get easier faster than you think.

2. Stop shrinking in rooms. Are you waiting to be invited into the conversation, or laughing a little too readily at things that aren't funny? Just start to notice. Then pick one moment in the next gathering where you do something different. Finish your sentence after being interrupted. Let a silence sit without rushing to fill it. Take up space! Your presence is a gift to the room.

3. Dress for the woman you're becoming. Your daughter dresses for herself. Wear the thing that makes you feel like the fullest expression of the untamed you!  Get dressed in the morning as if you're in your most alive and feral season. You're someone worth looking at! Express yourself.

4. Let people be disappointed. This is the advanced course, hottie! I've actually come to discover it's the whole damn game. Your daughter has learned that other people's disappointment is information about them, and she moves accordingly. It's not easy when you've been programmed to please, but I promise... YOU can move that way too. You can count on someone becoming unhappy when you start showing up differently. Just practice shrugging your shoulders! Because their discomfort is not your life instruction manual.

5. Borrow her energy. Before you walk into a difficult situation or a moment that would have made your younger self disappear, ask yourself what your daughter would do. How would she stand? What would she say? Then do that. You literally know how, because YOU taught her!

Here's the bonus. Let your daughter see you doing it! Watching her mother step into her own power will be one of the greatest gifts you ever give her. You raised a woman who knows her worth. I do believe it's time, at last, to be raised by her. And she deserves to see it.

6. Your ritual this week: Ask your daughter to teach you something, specifically about herself. How does she decide when to say no? What does she tell herself when she walks into a room? Let her be your teacher for an hour. Watch what it does to both of you.

With lipstick, stardust, and a permission slip signed in your own damn name,

Bluma 💋✨