Dear Bluma: My Sex Drive Vanished. Is She Gone for Good?

Dear Bluma,

I used to love sex! Now I'm 52, and it's been almost a year since my husband and I have been intimate. I don't even miss it if I'm honest. But I miss WANTING it. I remember being that woman who was sexually alive. What was once a very high sex drive has just vanished. I never thought it would happen to ME! My doctor said "this is common in perimenopause" and moved on. My husband is kind about it but I can feel distance growing between us. I'm not sure if I should be fighting for this part of myself or accepting that maybe this chapter is closed. Is there a satisfying sex life again? 

— Formerly Five Stars, Now Closed for Renovations

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Dear Formerly Five Stars, Now Closed for Renovations,

Oh honey. That exclamation point at the start? I felt it in my bones.

You didn't just love it, you LOVED loved it. You were that woman. High drive, fully alive! And now you're sweating in the desert of that, and your doctor had the nerve to say "this is common" and move on as if she'd just told you about a weather pattern.

Common is not a diagnosis and it doesn't have to be your destiny.

Here's what I want you to understand about desire in midlife:

Your body is in the middle of a renovation so massive it makes a kitchen remodel look quaint, and desire is sitting in a back room somewhere, going not now, I'm busy.

The women who've come through this will tell you: It comes back! Finding it again is one of the more interesting adventures of this season, if you're willing to do some deliciously specific work.

1. Start with a different damn doctor! Find a gynecologist who actually specializes in menopause, because perimenopause does real, physiological things to libido, and there are real options. Hormones, lubricants, pelvic floor therapy, someone who treats women's sexuality as something worth treating. "This is common" is the beginning of a conversation, not the end of one.

2. Next! Before this becomes about reclaiming something with your husband, spend some time reclaiming it for yourself. What does it actually respond to now? Warmth? Touch? Music? A bath hot enough to qualify as a spiritual experience? You are a sexual being. That is not a past-tense fact. It is who you are, right now, in this body, in this season. The divine feminine doesn't punch out at 52. She gets interesting.

3. And then... tell your husband what you told me. That you miss wanting it! That you're not gone, but things are different now. Let him know that you will need to explore new ways of coming together. wink wink. That you want to find some new tricks. That honesty creates intimacy, which is the doorway to where you want to go.

Is there a satisfying sex life on the other side of this? Yes.

For a lot of women, a richer one even. The "wham-bam" days might be over, but slow and savored could be in your future. Some women have found satisfaction between the sheets with THC, and others swear by OMG Cream — yes, that's its actual name, and yes, it delivers on the promise. It's all about finding what works for you. And quite honestly, turning yourself on first.

With that.... Your ritual this week: Write yourself some porn.

I mean it. I once wrote an entire pornographic story built out of my own Facebook status updates, and it was illuminating.

Sit down, open a document nobody else will ever see, and write out your deepest, most secret fantasy in full, glorious, unedited detail. Just to remind yourself what lives in there.

And if your brain goes blank, start with a memory instead. A night that worked. A time you felt electric. Write that down in every detail, because memory bypasses the ignition problem. Find some heat where you left it.

Still nothing? Start with pure sensation. Warm water. Sunlight. Sexy pajamas you love. (or go buy some) The body wakes up in small ways before it wakes up in big ones.

You are a sexual being, and honoring that, in secret, on the page, is an act of profound self-love.

Your desire still lives in you — older now, wiser, and considerably less willing to fake it baby!

With lipstick, stardust, and the firm belief that your wild side has been waiting very patiently,

Bluma 💋✨